A Suicide Attempt....
It was maybe two or three years ago.
I wouldn't dream of giving him the satisfaction of him knowing that he had it like that over me.
He didn't.
But my mind was very confused.
He treated me like I was special. He treated me like I was his. He told me so after a really special night. Even though I was still confused, I went with my gut instinct.
He started pushing me away, but I just thought he needed space.
The words regurgitated out of his mouth about possibly impregnating another girl. It was all I could take.
This was never about him. This was about me. I could never trust myself again. How could I be so stupid to ever think that I was special enough for anyone to want ME?
I should have gotten clarification. I should have known better at least. But when you fall for someone, you just want to run with it. I'm one of the most guarded people in the world but after spending some quality time with this person and helping them out financially when I could, I figured we were in this together.
So much for ambiguity.
I left his house in a state of shock and went to my car. I made it to work...and pulled a vehicle out on the fence, walked across the street and grabbed a cup of coffee.
With the steaming cup in my hand, there was only one logical thing to do.
There was a Streets and Sanitation truck idling a few feet away from me. I looked at the truck as the drivers jumped back in with their fresh cups of coffee. They had no clue as to what I was about to do.
My body was going to betray me in the worst way.
I tap danced back and forth on the curb. I was trying to time it right. I knew that the weight of the truck would be just enough to crush my body.
I wasn't thinking about my family, I wasn't thinking about my daughter, I wasn't thinking about the poor witnesses on the street, or that unfortunate driver that was about to give me my exit.
With suicide, you don't think. Rationally, that is.
I stepped back onto the curb as the truck pulled away with the driver giving me a curious look.
I failed. I ran across the street blindly, hoping someone would do the job that I couldn't do, but made it across to my vehicle.
I got on my vehicle and cried. My supervisor came over to me and gave me twenty minutes to compose myself.
I owe him a lot now that I think about it.
With that guy, I still don't understand why I wasn't good enough for him. But I guess it doesn't matter. I lost a lot of trust in myself which took a very long time to build up.
I'm working on it.
I wouldn't dream of giving him the satisfaction of him knowing that he had it like that over me.
He didn't.
But my mind was very confused.
He treated me like I was special. He treated me like I was his. He told me so after a really special night. Even though I was still confused, I went with my gut instinct.
He started pushing me away, but I just thought he needed space.
The words regurgitated out of his mouth about possibly impregnating another girl. It was all I could take.
This was never about him. This was about me. I could never trust myself again. How could I be so stupid to ever think that I was special enough for anyone to want ME?
I should have gotten clarification. I should have known better at least. But when you fall for someone, you just want to run with it. I'm one of the most guarded people in the world but after spending some quality time with this person and helping them out financially when I could, I figured we were in this together.
So much for ambiguity.
I left his house in a state of shock and went to my car. I made it to work...and pulled a vehicle out on the fence, walked across the street and grabbed a cup of coffee.
With the steaming cup in my hand, there was only one logical thing to do.
There was a Streets and Sanitation truck idling a few feet away from me. I looked at the truck as the drivers jumped back in with their fresh cups of coffee. They had no clue as to what I was about to do.
My body was going to betray me in the worst way.
I tap danced back and forth on the curb. I was trying to time it right. I knew that the weight of the truck would be just enough to crush my body.
I wasn't thinking about my family, I wasn't thinking about my daughter, I wasn't thinking about the poor witnesses on the street, or that unfortunate driver that was about to give me my exit.
With suicide, you don't think. Rationally, that is.
I stepped back onto the curb as the truck pulled away with the driver giving me a curious look.
I failed. I ran across the street blindly, hoping someone would do the job that I couldn't do, but made it across to my vehicle.
I got on my vehicle and cried. My supervisor came over to me and gave me twenty minutes to compose myself.
I owe him a lot now that I think about it.
With that guy, I still don't understand why I wasn't good enough for him. But I guess it doesn't matter. I lost a lot of trust in myself which took a very long time to build up.
I'm working on it.
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