Why I Do This

I know what it's like to want to die.

I know what it is like to sit in your room, looking at the four walls that surround you, wishing that they close you in and crush you to death.

I know what it is like to look into the eyes of loved ones and fake that you're having the time of your life when all you want to do is lie down and die.

I know what it is like to look at smiling faces of family members on photographs while blinking back tears. You don't want to say goodbye this way but you feel there is no way out.

 I know what it is like to feel as if the only option is death.

    I know what it is like to see death in the newspapers and on the internet and wish it is you.

       I know what it is like to read the suicide stories of others and commend them silently in your mind for their brave acts.

I know what it is like to flinch while the world reminds you that suicide is for cowards.

      I know what it is like to lie to loved ones and tell them that you love life.

           I know what it is like to feel so disconnected from the world that you don't even feel human anymore.

I know what it is like to feel the pain and anxiety of a suicide attempt. You lie on the bed or the floor waiting for Death to creep upon you. Like so many others before you, you wait for your fate.

I know what it is like to wonder if there is life or punishment on the other side, but still not care enough to stop the final deed.

I also know what it is like to be rescued. To be brought back from the edge of death. To feel human and connected to the world and humankind. To enjoy the simple things in life. To have the dark clouds lifted off of your shoulders. To take a deep breath and enjoy the air filling your lungs right before you exhale. Then you repeat the process over and over again. To feel love. To feel pain. Just to feel.


If this blog doesn't do anything but save one life from making that final step, then it was worth it. If my story can help others, then I am grateful for the experience no matter how painful the process was.

This is why I do this.